Depression. This ten letter word does not seem heavy but if you ask me, it's one of the heaviest things your heart could carry. It's like an another poisonous human living inside your head that takes over you.
The worst part is that you always have to smile even when you don't want to. Yes!
this is my story and many more who is going through it or went through it.
I was literally my own worst enemy. I would feel so exhausted from all the voices in my head that I would just go to sleep to block all of it. The worst fear came at night because that's when the voices got even louder.
I knew I needed help but asking for it just made me feel like a burden. I felt as if I had lost everything. No motivation and no hope left me shattered. No one knew what I was going through except me, my head and my heart. Each day seemed heavier.
I wanted someone to know, I wanted someone to talk to but had no strength. I felt that I had lost, lost the game. It seemed like I was standing in crowd with nothing but my guilt. Guilt of losing. Life was taking lot of test and I kept failing. I kept on thinking that I was worthy of nothing. The only thing that I held proudly was my smile and laugh which hid my scars. This is how I was feeling:
Wrapping arms around myself,
I sit down mutely,
Numbed by pain,
Spreading thorough me.
Silence speaking the loudest in me,
It consumes me like you
are in a crowd full of people,
It screams at you
so loudly, but can't hear
because of the numbness
which surrounded me.
When a clock is ticking
making you realize
you are alone.
No one to give a shoulder.
Nothing to loose
A gnawing pain radiates,
You can never escape it,
Hurled thoughtlessly,
locking me in maze.
It can kill you, it's the most.
It has no weakness
causing a throbbing pain so intense,
caught in a web,
of echoes of myself.
Eventually I recovered with the help of my family. I learned that the only person who can truly help me is me. I have learnt to change my thought process and I am still learning.
2019 was a hell of a year with more lows than highs.
I have learned how to overcome suicidal thoughts.
If I hadn't been through these things. I wouldn't have learnt that the most important thing in life is to be happy. If I was to give one piece of advice to others who are struggling, It would be not to suffer in silence. There are people out there who have been through everything that you are experiencing and have come out on the other side. In fact, their experiences have made them who they are today. It may seem impossible to overcome, believe me you will get there.
You should not feel guilty for feeling the way you do because depression is an illness like any other. We are so accepting of other parts of our bodies breaking. Why can't we feel the same way about our minds too?
Thank you for those who have been by my side.
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